It is not anymore uncommon for women to receive comments such as "when will you have a baby?", "you should have a baby soon," or "how can you not want to have a baby?" because society has long viewed women as 'baby makers' or 'child bearers'. In fact, people are more likely to perceive a woman as a mother than as a CEO or a president.
However, this is easier said than done.
Generations of mothers, and men with unsolicited opinions, have perpetuated the belief that it is a woman's responsibility to have children. Yet, very few have informed us about the risks involved in carrying a human being within our body. Even in schools, little is discussed regarding the dangers of pregnancy. No one sufficiently explains the level of grit required to confront the dangers of motherhood.
What’s right for us
In TikTok, there’s a female content creator named Abigail, known as "The Girl With The List." With over 850,000 followers, she produces a video series called “The List,” which serves as a reminder for women to take their birth control and to educate themselves before deciding to have (or not have) children.
She has compiled 340 reasons for not wanting children, all derived from the real-life experiences of numerous women and backed by scientific research. One of the reasons highlighted is the risk of dying during childbirth.
In 2023, the World Health Organization (WHO) reported that around 260,000 women died from complications related to pregnancy and childbirth.
Additionally, pregnancy can lead to deformities in organs or bones. According to research on complications during pregnancy and childbirth in Guinea, it is estimated that 40% of women experienced complications during pregnancy and 15% of these are fatal. During or after childbirth, potential issues include brain shrinkage, tooth loss, retinal detachment, ruptured blood vessels in the eyes, prolapsed vagina, or even the loss of labia.
But these are not even a quarter of what she covered.
Numerous women have expressed gratitude toward her for shedding light on information that many, including myself, were unaware of due to the glamorized depiction of motherhood. While we understood from our mothers that pregnancy posed challenges, we never anticipated it would be THIS challenging.
However, not everyone supports her advocacy; many women and men have expressed their discontent with her list, arguing that it discourages women from becoming pregnant, contributing to the global decline in birth rates.
The reality is that Abigail is doing what educational institutions should have been doing, which is informing women about the dangers associated with something society has long encouraged us to do. She is also serving those women who wish to conceive but remain unaware of the potential risks they may face during pregnancy.
She is right in helping to alleviate the societal pressure to have children by reminding us that our lives may be at stake if we pursue this without proper preparation.
What’s left of a woman
What is essentially left of a woman if she chooses to have a child?
Many women who choose to be pregnant lose their independence or sense of self. Some even lose part of their physical being. And some lose themselves. However, many women would contend that having a child is the greatest gift for them, but this is not true for all.
One woman may feel joy because of the child waiting for her at home, while another may mourn what she might have been had she chosen not to become a mother.
But what if she decides not to have a child?
Society is quick to cast judgment. Many will label her as selfish, some will argue that her choice will impact the future, and others may state that she will be lonely without a child to care for her in old age.
But is it truly selfish to build a life solely for yourself? Is it genuinely lonely if one can fulfill her dreams outside motherhood? Is it really unfair for a woman to decide against enduring the challenges of childbirth and motherhood?
It has been a long time since women gained freedom to pursue education or employment. Still, it feels as though society hasn’t progressed much. We still have prying eyes fixated on our bodies, mouths dictating our actions, and noses sticking in our business.
It might be a snowball’s chance to hell to envision a world where we can make our own choices without being told it’s selfish or contrary to our nature. But I hope that at least more women can begin to support the choices of other women regarding their bodies.
I aspire for the day when my grandmother or any woman I know will no longer suggest that I’ll soon change my mind about being childfree, or that I’ll regret this choice later on. Because I don’t really need validation from a man for my decision, but I will always feel uncertain about doing what feels right for me if it’s invalidated by another woman.
